There are times when I wish a relationship could be restored, but my feelings are too hurt to make the first move.
We all have times when we find ourselves in that position. We sometimes experience emotional standoffs or feel hurt by friends or family members—it’s all part of being human.
I’ve recently had a couple of those situations within my own family, and I knew in both cases that I would forgive them. It wasn’t a matter of if, but when—and I think that’s part of the challenge in making the first move. I didn’t feel any urgency to fix things fast, and I was rather enjoying my self-pity in the twisted way we do.
When we’re in a state of self-pity, few of us think we’re doing our best thinking—but it feels easier than forgiveness—and our actions, like water, tend to flow toward the path of least resistance.
Why We Shouldn’t Wait to Forgive
The longer you wait, the harder the first move gets. I’ve noticed that sometimes the original reason for the upset gets lost, and specific issues are replaced with vague feelings of coldness and annoyance. These are actually harder to overcome because they’re far more emotion-driven.
Every day of silence leaves a little scar. Like when you bite the inside of your mouth: It gets a little swollen, then more prone to being bitten again and again. I think something similar happens when we withhold forgiveness. If you let it linger for a day or two, the next time it might be two or three days, and the emotions deepen.
If you’ve already decided to forgive, waiting only delays the good part. So much of our misery comes from things we know we’ll eventually do, but instead we choose to wallow in self-pity or procrastination first. I wish I had an easy solution for overcoming whatever emotional state makes this seem reasonable, but my only advice is to occasionally remind yourself how silly it really is.
Waiting until you feel ready is a bad habit to reinforce. Similar to my last point—waiting until you feel ready before you do something is a terribly hard habit to break. I know from personal experience how many times I’ve stayed in planning mode for far too long. The truth is that good emotions typically follow healthy actions, and not the other way around.
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Your kids are watching how you handle conflict and absorbing lessons like sponges. If you have kids or grandkids around you, don’t underestimate how much they pick up from you. It’s not just your words and actions, but your attitudes and values as well. When I had trouble forgiving one of my children the other week, they asked my wife, “Is Daddy still upset with me?” That broke my heart and made me realize I want to leave my kids a great legacy, not one of holding on to hurts.
Making the first move is the only part you can control. There is so much in life that we can’t control, and the way other people act is certainly one of them. The solution is to lead by example.
Every day in a standoff is another day you don’t get back. As I’ve gotten older, especially since having five children, I increasingly feel that time is fleeting. How many lazy weekends at home will I have with my whole family under one roof, all in good health? Far fewer than I’d like. It’s a tragedy to waste a single one of them.
One of the best parts of deciding to forgive right away is the gift you’re giving your future self. Each act of forgiveness shapes a rut that makes the next one easier to choose—what I like to call an upward cycle. It’s like falling upward in the direction you want to go. Each positive choice gives you a little boost of motivation to make another and another, and the best time to start is now.
