Gillian Sandstrom spent years avoiding conversations with strangers. Then one day on the subway, she noticed a woman holding a beautiful cupcake and worked up the nerve to ask where she’d gotten it. The two talked for the rest of the ride.
“It was just really fun!” Sandstrom told The Epoch Times.
It was fun enough that the psychologist, a self-described introvert, changed her research focus to the value of talking to strangers.
You don’t have to be an extrovert to benefit from saying hello to unfamiliar faces. Below, five leading communication experts share what they’ve learned about talking to strangers and how to master the art of casual conversation.
The Surprising Upside of Small Talk
Sandstrom directs the Sussex Centre for Research on Kindness in England. Her research-backed book, “Once Upon a Stranger: The Science of How ‘Small Talk’ Can Add Up to a Big Life,” explores how casual chats with strangers can improve well-being and reduce loneliness.
Brief, positive interactions with strangers trigger a release of endorphins and other feel-good neurochemicals.
One reason interactions with strangers are satisfying is that they tend to spark a sense of novelty. Talking with a new person, even briefly, offers something our usual circle can’t. Fresh conversations can offer a different perspective or new knowledge.
But a conversation doesn’t have to develop into a friendship to have value, Sandstrom said. “Sometimes the interaction itself is enough.”
Why We Avoid Approaching Strangers
If brief conversations with people we don’t know can make us feel good, why do so many of us avoid them?
Part of the problem is what we assume will happen, Shawne Duperon, an executive coach and globally recognized communication expert, told The Epoch Times. “Our brains are constantly making rapid assessments about people we don’t know.”
For example, we may predict the conversation will be awkward, that the other person won’t want to talk, or that we would be happier left alone, she said. But those predictions are often wrong.
Phones, earbuds, automated checkout, and online shopping add to the problem—they have removed many ordinary situations where people once had to interact with strangers, Duperon said.
So is casual conversation with strangers doomed to become a lost art?
Not necessarily, she said. “Social skills, like other skills, require practice.”
How to Start
If approaching a total stranger feels like too much, start with a setting where conversation comes naturally.
Jon Levy is a behavioral scientist and founder of The Influencers Dinner, which brings accomplished strangers together for a shared meal.
His dinner guests have included Nobel laureates, CEOs, astronauts, and celebrities. In groups of about a dozen, they gather anonymously at his New York apartment and cook dinner together. The result, Levy told The Epoch Times, is that the shared task creates an easy rhythm that invites casual conversation.
You don’t need a famous guest list to get the same effect. Levy suggests joining a volunteer activity, a group exercise class, or anything organized around a shared interest. “The shared activity takes some of the pressure off because you already have something in common.”
Once you’re chatting, Levy advises against jumping into deeply personal questions. Instead, ask what someone has recently read, watched, or done that excited them.
He also recommends answering routine questions honestly. If someone asks “How are you?” you don’t have to say “fine.” Without going too deep into your troubles, a little authenticity gives the other person something to respond to.
Vanessa Van Edwards is the founder of Science of People and the author of the recently released book “Conversation: How to Connect with Anyone & Make Every Interaction Count.” She said that one of the biggest misconceptions about talking to strangers is that the conversation has to lead somewhere.
“It doesn’t,” she told The Epoch Times. These micro-connections don’t have to result in a new friendship, or even an exchange of phone numbers. “Sometimes the connection is the point,” she said.
She also wants people to stop worrying about appearing awkward. “Awkwardness is not an emergency,” she said. The goal is to connect, not to perform.
Watch for signs of how it’s going. A person who faces you, makes comfortable eye contact, smiles, asks questions, and volunteers information is probably engaged.
On the other hand, if they look away and give consistently short answers, it’s a clue to respect the desired exit. “It was really nice talking with you,” is enough to end a conversation. Leaving gracefully isn’t a failure. It’s part of being a good conversationalist.
Safety matters, too. It’s best to have interactions in public settings, and don’t feel pressured to approach someone when you feel unsafe.
The Strangers Who Aren’t Quite Strangers
Longtime journalist Melinda Blau spent years exploring what she calls consequential strangers. These are the familiar faces we’re not close to: the waiter who knows your usual order, the person you see regularly at the dog park, someone you chat with at the gym, or a colleague you never see outside of work.
“You don’t have to remember birthdays. You may not even remember your last conversation. But that doesn’t mean the relationship has no value,” Blau told The Epoch Times.
Our closest friends and family often know the same people we know, share many of our interests, and understand our history. A casual acquaintance can offer a different perspective from those closest to us.
Blau, 82, and a host and producer for “The Crow’s Feet: Life As We Age” podcast, said close relationships can change over the years as friends move away or die, careers end, and children become independent.
Replenishing one’s social world doesn’t require finding a new best friend, she said. It can simply start by talking to someone in your building. Perhaps someone you’ve seen before but never spoken with. At first, it might be nothing more than a shared smile. “Even that reminds us that we’re part of a larger human world,” Blau said.
